Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.

#WorldWaterDay

Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

12653.

trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?

RT if you could go either way.

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?

A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant

M: Oh you naughty minx!

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

A NEW year? In this economy??? I’m settling for a certified pre-owned.

Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.

~poetry

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]

Later that night

Fitbit: time for bed

me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO

Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?

“No thanks.”

Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…

“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”

Honey I made you some hotdog water

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them

[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*

My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.