MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
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You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.