MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
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When you “pspspsp” too hard
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.