Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
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ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.