magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
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Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Funny that the wise men brought probably the 3 worst presents for a newborn baby
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know