magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
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him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
On the night before Christmas, I was taking a walk,
Avoiding my girlfriend, who “needed to talk.”
When what on my new hat did appear,
But a sprinkling of poo from eight flying reindeer!
The old sleigh driver flew on so quick,
I shook my fist and yelled, “You stupid prick!”
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him