Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…

Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous

IKEA Manager: Sir.

Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!

No, Karen ….

Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.

My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus

That’s what I call a flat tire

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.