Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

God: you’re a cuttlefish.

Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.

God: that’s not what I meant.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.

Cuttlefish: for hugs?

God: [sigh] no not for hugs.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: also you’re venomous.

Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye

At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’

Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’

‘Who?’

Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’

Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert

me:

accusations harmful

skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute

me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still