Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.

Is your wife single?

Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.

Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.

Your wife is beautiful, is she single?

My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!

Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*

Me *giddy* I take their breath away!

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.

I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.

The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.

Only the dog is happy about this.

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.