Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.

If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.

My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?

me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway

Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat

prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

I used to be married, but I’m better now

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon

Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao

There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

Spins a web.

Any size.

Catches thieves.

Just like flies.

He waits.

The thieves come.

The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.

He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.

Look out.

Here comes the Spider-Man.

Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.