Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.

Copy Editor is a rewording career.

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad

washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

them: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture

The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait

The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.

[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.

Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]