Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

What makes us human?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

interviewer: ur biggest weakness?

me: i hate working

How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:

1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items

“shake what ya momma gave ya!”

*starts shaking low self-esteem*

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me

My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.