*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
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for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.