*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
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“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
More like Kate Missington.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.