Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
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[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.