Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
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I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest