Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.

Me: Did you finish the banana bread?

16: yep

Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.

16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!

Them: There are no stupid questions

Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?

Them: There is one stupid question

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.

Ok but actually

[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

Still hold my high school’s record for shortest javelin toss.

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.

3yo: *follows me into bathroom*

Me: “Privacy, please”

3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*

“Now we have privacy, Mommy”

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.

Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.

Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage

My Husband: Yeah, at some point

Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!

I have OCD as well as ADD.

Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.

me: you said you were going to clean your room

5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise

me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”

5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays

It will be called Side Chick.

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title