“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
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I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
12653.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.