@Breadery

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

You Might Also Like

@ThisOneSayz

Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.

@biggarf

I wasn’t good enough for you in high school but suddenly after 5 kids a husband and 3 boyfriends I’m starting to look good eh?

@QwertyJones3

Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.

Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.

@i_love_fudge

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

@Adyaces

Joseph: A crib full of straw? No, I asked to see the MANAGER.

@TheWadest

Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”

@w00f_w00f

Hate it when couples fight & change their relationship status to “single”. I fight with my parents, and don’t change my status to “orphan”.

@myonlymizztake

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

@GlennyRodge

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

@jazz_inmypants

[when I’m home]

me: *uses the same towel for {Censored} days in a row*

[at a hotel]

me: (calling the front desk) yea hi can you send up a few more towels I used up the 4 you gave me and I haven’t even showered yet