Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

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Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.


I wasn’t good enough for you in high school but suddenly after 5 kids a husband and 3 boyfriends I’m starting to look good eh?


Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.

Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.


My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.


Joseph: A crib full of straw? No, I asked to see the MANAGER.


Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”


Hate it when couples fight & change their relationship status to “single”. I fight with my parents, and don’t change my status to “orphan”.


If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.


The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.


[when I’m home]

me: *uses the same towel for {Censored} days in a row*

[at a hotel]

me: (calling the front desk) yea hi can you send up a few more towels I used up the 4 you gave me and I haven’t even showered yet