Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
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Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.