Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

[one tweet gets 10 likes]

me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.

Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.

“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.

how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!

Wife: But we d..

*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?