Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”

jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby

“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.

Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.

Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?

My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.

Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.

Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

We don’t deserve birds.

Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!

Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.

Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”