Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
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My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
These 3D printers are insane!
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO