Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
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A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
After 35, your body ages in dog years
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
i’m sure it’s fine
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.