Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!

SUN: whatever

EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?

SUN: Physics

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

I’d … I’d rather not.

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

According to my fitness app, I ate 5 miles of Chicken Parm

[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many

My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.

Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

Me: What do you want for Christmas?

Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.

Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.

So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…