Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.
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[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”