Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏

*I mean there’s construction on our street

On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.

Hubs: I’ll carry you!

6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!

Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!

6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.

[the invention of ping pong]

“I don’t want this tiny ball.”

“Well, neither do I.”

“That makes me very angry.”

“Me too.”

When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

banker: you’re spending more than you bring in

me: god forbid i’m good at something

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!

If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.

dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee

Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:

“Your teeth are illuminous.”

I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.

That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.

Not just when he sees me naked.

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours

cats:

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

Just how popey was the pope today?