Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.
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I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store