Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best misinterpreted text ever!

Always 🥴

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists

Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever

My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.

2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”

Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?

Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward

Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road

How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.

[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE

Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄