Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
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I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.