Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
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God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]