Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
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I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…