Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time

Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”

water it, i dare you

My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.

He refuses to bathe without the Melon

4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?

Me: It’s like writing his name on it.

4: So I-

Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.

-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!