Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

Best table by far

My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.

They did not think through this water fountain

“WTF?”

“Seriously?”

“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already

Heroic Misunderstanding

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!

Passenger:

Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?

I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?

“Correct.”

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough