Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.

Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?

Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit

Hubs: um…

Me: oh bugger!

The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.

I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

The old gods are rising again.

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices

me: ok, let’s start tomorrow

[next day]

me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home

wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.

House for sale. Spider on ceiling.

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings

Me: Do you ever get a sharp stabbing pain in your head and groin?
Annoying coworker: No.

Me, angrily throwing away the voodoo doll

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.

Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.

Boss: But we’re not serving food.

Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.