[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
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[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.