Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant

What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!

“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?

deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.

[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok

[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR

Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?

me: the clogged sink is over here

plumber: (crawls under sink)

me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids

Husband: What’s the nightmare part?

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

90’s style insults need to come back.

Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.

[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”

Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT

During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:

*at July 4th cookout*

3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?

Me: [explains the concept of a country]

3:

3: So where is she? Does America have legs?

Me:

STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing

CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.