Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
