Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…

People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.

*First bite of pancakes

“This is the greatest food ever!”

*Last bite of pancakes

“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

BREAKING NEWS

Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015

Use it while you can, white girls

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*

“You should floss more”

me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM

me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.

Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.

Fight 🔥 with 🔥

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.