Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
