Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
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I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.