Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
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Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.