Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
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Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
They’re on their honeymoon
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
