Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why it’s so many prime days?

They broke ?

“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.

WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

My boss just set a meeting for July  2024 and a little piece of me died.

It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.

The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?

1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack

glass half full: It’s only 6 days old

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS