Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
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I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.