Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
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Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
this independent good boy don’t need no human
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.