Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]

“Theirye’re” problem solved

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

Hear me out…

A leaf blower, but for people.

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

The truth will set you free.*

*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?

No, the cars are much faster.

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that

Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.