Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
You Might Also Like
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Doctors texting each other.
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
There are no kids named Durf if you’re looking for a void to fill.