Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
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Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”