Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

life finds a way

The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

Weaknesses.

Secret Panel HERE 💥

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”

Christmas Day

“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

[watching Jaws]

Me: Which ones Jaws

Girlfriend: Who do u think?

Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell

How to get me to like you:

Be pajamas.

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

Mmmm. Shoeshi

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!

*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable