Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
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My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Look at this
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
FRED: right
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.