Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
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Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Who called it baking and not making love
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
But that’s none of my business
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…