Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
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My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
what the hell girl, sure
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
How I like cutting carbs
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.