Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom

Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

Eminem walks into a bar.

Bartender: You only get one shot.

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.

everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far

If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.

I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*

5 year old: No it isn’t

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt

(after bedtime)

3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!

Me: go to sleep.

3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU

M: yes you can

3:NO I CAN’T

Photobombing Giraffe 😅

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber