Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

no..
one…

cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston

No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead

My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation

First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”

Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”

You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.