Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
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Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
want me to check your oil?
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.