Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

My kids: ROAD TRIP!

My kids, ten minutes later:

I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?

Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs

Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…

Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?

[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes

My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.

Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.

Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.

Me: I did not.

Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.

Me: I’m not feeding you.

Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.

[In a cucumber submarine]

1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain

Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle

*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*
Oh

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

[about to have sex]

her: put on this blindfold

me: I think a condom would be safer

[High school reunion]

Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”

Me: “You told me to never change.”

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”