*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
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If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
For the ones in the back.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
This is always good for a laugh.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw