*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
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A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.