*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
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Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.