*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
You Might Also Like
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…