*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
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We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.