*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
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I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
How can I say no to this ?
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
He wanted to make sure😂
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
I know a bad idea when I see one.
