*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
You Might Also Like
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
This was a bad idea all around
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.