[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
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Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.