[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
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If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Oh yeah that’s it
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.