[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
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Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
the short answer to this question
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka