Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
You Might Also Like
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
They should make a moral fiber supplement
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Printer ink is expensive
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care