maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
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My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
This is amazing.
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
🥲
I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??