Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:

HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”

– Airbnb owners, probably

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?

If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.

me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-

MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?

DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.

coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.

me: ask them who their CEO is

When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.

Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire

Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP

Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores

The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.

is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?

the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.