maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
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I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
💯😂
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
How did we not see this back then?
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
fourth time’s the charm
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.