maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
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If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Just grow your own
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb